7. Baby Mice Wine
Photo: John Foxx/Stockbyte/Getty ImagesRemember the first time you polished off an entire bottle of tequila and learned that sometimes the worm at the bottom will speak to you and remind you not to drink and drive just before you pass out? Replace that with a dead mouse and you've got another reason to stay in therapy.
This concoction from Korea and Japan uses d-e-a-d baby mice to ferment and flavor its wine that is often said to carry great health benefits for those who drink it, assuming, of course, that they don't die when they realize they are drinking d-e-a-d baby mice. And notice that I said “mice,” not “mouse,” because the bottom of every bottle is littered with a litter of dad baby mice.
The Nonalcoholic Equivalent: Boxed wine
Benefits of Drinking the Virgin Version: Both probably have the allowable level of mouse parts, only you don't know it when you're chugging it.
6. Gin Greasy
Photo: Ulf Andersen/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty ImagesNovelist Tom Robbins loves the stuff so much that he and his friends created a gin martini that uses mayonnaise as an ingredient, and the weirdest part is that “it was actually pretty good.” I don't have the stomach, literally and figuratively, to confirm his suspicions. Also, I'm sure that digesting gin and mayonnaise at the same time would make it hard for the ambulance to carry my weight after I'm done drinking it.
The Nonalcoholic Equivalent: Baconnaise
Benefits of Drinking the Virgin Version: There is a .00000001 percent higher chance you'll get some exercise to work if off since the lack of alcohol won't dull your motor skills.
5. The Bacontini
We've done a lot of jokes about bacon-infused drinks and cocktails because, let's face it, people love bacon. We're probably just a few months away from a Bacon-IV glucose drip. Trust me, someone is working on it.
The Bacontini, however, gets my vote for the strangest bacon and alcohol concoction because it's really taking two things that don't go together and forcing them to live in the same space like some even more drunken Odd Couple. The Double Down Saloon came up with this libation by infusing the awesome taste of vodka with the awesome taste of bacon to make one really awesomely bad tasting beverage. So it'll not only get you drunk but will make you go kosher as well.
The Nonalcoholic Equivalent: Licking a sweaty pig
Benefits of Drinking the Virgin Version: For once, you're making a pig happy.
4. Enpinyo
Photo: Roine Magnusson/The Image Bank/Getty ImagesFor this drink, it isn't so much the beverage that''s the kicker. It's the chaser. It's the alcoholic equivalent of chugging a beer and getting kicked in the nuts immediately afterwards.
African tribes of the Maasai drink this stuff because, well, it'll get you really drunk (I'm certain this hard fact of humanity will help bring about world peace or the most destructive war in history). The way they wash it down is by poking a hole in a cow and drinking whatever bodily fluid comes out of it, mainly blood. And the funny part is that they drink this stuff to counteract their hangover. I'll stick with praying for death, thank you very much.
The Nonalcoholic Equivalent: Licking a sweaty pig
Benefits of Drinking the Virgin Version: You're still making the pig happy and making that snooty cow jealous at the same time.
3. Chicha
Photo: Sheridan Stancliff/FoodPix/Getty ImagesNothing confuses me more than watching snooty wine clubs sip gallons of high-end wine, swishing it around their mouths and spitting it into a bucket. It's such a fine waste of a good, sturdy bucket.
There are people in the world, however, who would choose the wine in the bucket over the wine in the bottle. Go to Peru to see it for yourself, where the locals drink a homebrew that’s made from maize that’s chewed up in a human's mouth and spit out into the final product. At least you'll be so drunk that you won't realize you've frenched every brewmaster in the Land of the Incas.
The Nonalcoholic Equivalent: Eating movie popcorn
Benefits of Drinking the Virgin Version: You don't really want to know, do you?
2. Smoker's Cough
Photo: Image Source/Getty ImagesIt's hard to find the origins or even the inventor of this unholy shot. That's because he'd probably be brought on up health endangerment charges by the United Nation's World Health Organization.
This shot consists of two ingredients: Jägermeister and mayonnaise. It's called “Smoker's Cough” because the phrase “The Devil's Ballsack” had already been patented by a grunge band in Seattle.
The Nonalcoholic Equivalent: A raw egg
Benefits of Drinking the Virgin Version: It will feel the same way and taste the same way except you won't DlE.
1. The Sourtoe Cocktail
The Sourdough Saloon in the Yukon Territory serves up this traditional beverage with just three ingredients: a shot glass, a yummy serving of neat whiskey, and an actual preserved human toe. And no, it's not a fake toe or an olive painted to look like one no matter how many times you pray to yourself that it is when you're drinking it. It's an actual shriveled, dried-up human toe that bar attendees kick back as a garnish, and the weird part is that more than 65,000 people have tried it. It's the Yukon, so what else are they going to do? Ride their dog sled to the Dave and Buster's?
The Nonalcoholic Equivalent: Preserving a friend's severed toe in your mouth on the way to the hospital
Benefits of Drinking the Virgin Version: He owes you, big time.
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