Having a job can really cramp your style. In addition to seriously messing with your sleep schedule and preventing you from watching good daytime t.v., it imposes responsibilities on you and requires you to live up to them. Sure, this is great if you’re a real go-getter, but what about those of us who would rather loll around in bed all day and move as little as possible? Shouldn’t there be jobs out there for us, too? In this vein, the Top Ten Jobs for Lazy People are:
When it comes to jobs for lazy people, you have to love a career that only requires you to work twice a day for 45 minutes to an hour at a time. Sure, crossing guards have to get up early and work in inclimate weather, but we suspect that they also go back to bed immediately thereafter. Additionally, as you only need one hand to hold up the “stop” sign, you can use the other hand to hold your coffee. The only real requirement for this job is that you arrive on time and that you are able to identify a situation in which a car might slam into/run over a child. If you can manage to hold your “stop” sign up in the face of such danger, crossing guard might be the career for you.
Sleep all day and hit the clubs at night with your camera in an effort to catch celebrities at their worst. Or don’t. You can also remain in your pajamas all day and night, simply waiting for others to send you photos and gossip to include on your blog. Since lazy people generally don’t like to get dressed and do like to spend all day lolling around online, celebrity blogger is the perfect career for those of us who are indignant that people have such high expectations of us: such as expecting us to get out of bed each day and take showers.
It’s hard to believe that people get paid to do something they we probably planning to do anyway, but this seems to be the racket secret shoppers have managed to set up for themselves. Check your email a few times a week to get your shopping instructions and hit the mall at your leisure. With someone else’s money. Afterwards, fill out an online survey about your shopping experience, sit back, and wait for the money to roll in.
We realize that library science is an actual area of study that people earn degrees in, and that most libraries require their employees to have degrees in library science. Presumably, librarians know all kinds of things about the Dewey Decimal System and organizing information that the rest of us don’t. That doesn’t change the fact that, every time we go to a library, we see the librarians engaged in one of two tasks: looking bored behind the circulation desk while they check out books, or reading to groups of small children at story time. Both tasks can be easily done while sitting down and without moving around much. Any job that doesn’t require you to stand, and provides you with a chair with wheels to help you avoid standing, is recommended for lazy people.
We have a lot of respect for gold diggers. Gold digging, after all, can be a lot of work. You’re appearance is important, so that means endless hours at the salon and health club, as it’s difficult to dig for gold successfully with bad skin and cellulite on your thighs. Then there are the countless hours spent actually gold digging: pretending to be interested while a homely man, twice your age, tells you all about his business, his role at the local Elks Lodge, his bratty grandchildren. But once you’ve gotten past all that and successfully bagged an elderly millionaire, you’re in for a life of luxury. Go to bed early, sleep late, completely let yourself go. After all, you’re bound to come out of the divorce far better than you went into the marriage.
When we say that babysitter is a great job for a lazy person, we don’t mean that nanny, au pair, or day care worker are good jobs for lazy people. Those jobs are the OPPOSITE of good for lazy people, as they involved a lot of chasing small people around and, presumably, a daily budget for painkillers. By “babysitter,” we mean just that: the kind of babysitting where you go into someone’s house while the parents are out to dinner and watch their children for three to four hours until they come home. First, you can sleep late, as most people don’t want the babysitter to show up at least dinnertime. Additionally, if you can swing a job babysitting for very young children who go to bed early, you might be able to go the entire evening without actually seeing the children. Either way, once the children are off to bed a very early hour, you have the rest of the night free to watch t.v., talk to friends on your cell phone, and cruise around on the internet.
If you’re going to sit around in your underwear playing videogames all day, you might as well get paid for it. Rumor has it that a select few lazybones who live EXTREMELY charmed lives have managed to figure out a way to get paid for playing video games all day. No one knows how one sets oneself up on such a career path, other than by the grace of God. If you find out, please let us know.
It’s hard to find a job that requires less work than simply being alive, but that’s really all you have to do if you want to be one of many Americans raking in the dough by donating body parts and bodily fluids to those who really need them. Not only does this career allow you to avoid work hours, deadlines, and co-workers, but the companies that harvest your precious body fluid will actually insist that you take some time off in between donations.
Work on your tan all summer long, without having to do much of anything other than sit in a large chair, occasionally blow a whistle, and remind children to stop running every once in a while. There’s a reason why lifeguard is one of the most coveted jobs of all time. “Baywatch” drama aside, have you ever seen a live guard spring into action in real life? Probably not, especially if you can manage to get a lifeguard job at a local pool rather than an actual beach. Rather, this job consists largely of applying sunscreen to your nose, flirting with the opposite sex, and, in some cases, being in charge of the DVD collection at the pool.
It sounds like a job forged in the depths of Homer Simpson’s dreams, but, believe it or not, there are people who are actually paid to taste beer. All day long. Most work in breweries or bottling plants under the moniker “quality control specialist,” because simply calling themselves a “beer taster” would undoubtedly earn the wrath of their friends, family, and co-workers, leaving them alone and miserable. If there’s a greater job on the planet than showing up for work each day, drinking beer until the 5:00 whistle blows, and then returning home, we don’t know what it is.
10. Crossing Guard
9. Celebrity Blogger
8. Secret Shopper
7. Librarian
6. Gold Digger
5. Babysitter
4. Video Game Tester
3. Plasma/Sperm/Egg/Blood Donor
2. Lifeguard
1. Beer Taster
